The Subtle Art of Hiding

Hello friends,

Okay today’s topic feels like a real doozy.

What does “doozy” even mean? Honestly, I’m not sure. But it feels right to use it here, because this is something I’ve had to learn the hard way through the pain of doing the exact opposite of what I’m about to share.

Deflecting, hiding, dissociating, and numbing out can be incredibly painful experiences. Not always the obvious kind of pain, but the subtle kind that siphons away energy little by little. And that energy, once drained, is no longer available for the life we want to create.

One of the most powerful places to hide maybe the most powerful place I’ve experienced is within the realm of projection. We hide there not only from others, but from ourselves. Even in solitude, projection can disguise itself so skillfully that it feels like truth.

And as we dive into questions like why do I do what I do? or begin exploring the underlying emotional needs driving our patterns, we start to notice something profound: those needs aren’t always about positive emotions.

Often, our subconscious finds comfort in familiar patterns rooted in past experiences. These patterns quietly repeat, regurgitating themselves into our present-day lives.

So what does this mean? It means projection this act of placing our inner world onto others is both a hiding place and, paradoxically, a potential teacher.

The Mirror of Projection

Imagine being with your partner. You sense tension in the air, and a story kicks up inside you: I must have done something wrong. They’re upset. I’m not enough. That story is projected outward, and because others often act as mirrors, their reactions can feel like proof that your story is true.

Belief shapes perception. Perception reflects belief. Together, they form a loop, reinforcing themselves again and again.

Many of us learned in childhood that we are responsible for how others feel. We were taught to carry that burden. But if we stop and reflect, that belief is both crushing and arrogant. None of us has that kind of power over another person’s inner world.

The Shadow Side of Inner Work

Once we learn we’re not responsible for others’ projections, emotions, narratives, and interpretations, it’s tempting to wield that awareness like a shield. We might say, “That’s your experience, not mine,” and leave it at that. On the surface, it sounds wise. But in truth, it can be a subtle form of deflection.

The deeper we go into self-work, the more refined our hiding strategies can become. It’s as if we become Jedi-level skilled at both self-awareness andself-deception. The very tools meant to liberate us can also become ways to avoid uncomfortable truths.

I’ll share an example.

A former girlfriend once said to me during a heated conversation, “You’re being really passive aggressive.”

Immediately, I felt charged. Shame, defensiveness, anger the urge to fight back. I wanted to say, “That’s your projection.”

But I paused. I asked her for a moment to check in with myself.

When I did, I realized she was right. I was being passive aggressive. I couldn’t see it until she offered it up. Her projection became a doorway to one of my blind spots.

The Paradox

This is the paradox of projection:

• Yes, we’re not responsible for other people’s projections.

• And those projections can contain threads of truth about us.

So what if, instead of deflecting, we leaned into curiosity? What if we asked, Could this be true for me?

Sometimes the answer will be no. But sometimes it will be yes. And when it’s yes, a hidden room inside of us gets lit up.

The Invitation

My invitation is simple:

Next time someone projects onto you whether it’s praise, criticism, or judgment—pause before deflecting.

Notice how the grocery clerk treats you. Notice how clients, parents, teachers, or partners experience you. And ask

• Could this hold a reflection of me I can’t yet see?

• What might this reveal about the parts of myself I’ve been hiding from?

Projections, when met with curiosity, can become a surprising source of truth. They can reveal not only what others see in us, but also what we’ve been unwilling or unable to see in ourselves.

With curiosity

Jator 👽

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