Anatomy of the Mind

A Lesson From Module 3 of ILLUMINATE

Before we begin, a short word about ILLUMINATE.

ILLUMINATE is the space where we slow down enough to hear what is actually happening underneath our behavior. It is where we stop treating our symptoms like the problem, and begin relating to them like messages. This course is not about fixing yourself. It is about understanding yourself, with enough honesty and compassion that you stop living inside old programming that was never authored by the adult version of you.

Module 3 is one of the most important lessons in the entire framework because it helps explain something that quietly wrecks progress for so many people.

We try to use an adult mind to solve a childhood problem.

And we wonder why it feels like we are running on a treadmill that never turns off.

So let’s talk about it.

Let’s talk about the anatomy of the mind, and how the inner world actually works.

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Why Your Adult Mind Can’t “Think” Its Way Out of Childhood Pain

Something I see constantly, in myself and in clients, is this:

We attempt to use our adult logic, adult perspective, adult knowledge, adult experience, adult reasoning, to solve challenges that were created when we were children.

Take a moment and feel that.

Adult strategies aimed at childhood wounds.

Now, I have a question for you…

How well would you guess that works?

If I’m being honest, it typically doesn’t work at all.

Because childhood challenges were not formed through logic. They were formed through experience.

They were formed through emotion.

They were formed through what I’ll call heart-based perception: imagination, curiosity, sensation, fear, longing, confusion, survival, tenderness, separation.

And when we try to solve that with adult analysis, it can feel to the inner child like being spoken to in the wrong language.

It’s like trying to hug someone with math.

Well-intended, but missing the point.

The Download Years How Early Programming Shapes a Lifetime

There’s a common idea in psychology that a huge portion of our programming gets downloaded between the ages of zero to seven.

And there’s even deeper territory too.

There’s an entire field of study around experiences in utero, and how much those experiences shape our internal world, our nervous system, our felt sense of safety, our default expectations of life.

So if we zoom out, the picture becomes clear:

Much of what drives us now was formed before we had language, before we had reasoning, before we had the ability to make sense of anything.

Which means…

Many of our strongest patterns were formed while we were still in an emotional universe.

We did not “decide” who we would become.

We adapted.

And we adapted brilliantly.

Even if the cost came later.

The Needy Truth And Why It Matters

We start as infants. Which means we start as needy. That isn’t a character flaw. That is biology. That is reality.

We cannot navigate life without help.

We cannot regulate ourselves.

We cannot survive without care.

And because we are wired for survival, we begin learning quickly:

How do I get attention?
How do I get soothing?
How do I get connection?
How do I get my needs met?
How do I make sure I matter?

One of the first ways we learn to get attention is through crying.

And I want you to sit with this as a metaphor…

How many of us are still crying today to get attention?

Not necessarily with tears.

But through behaviors.

Through patterns.

Through reactions.

Through performances.

Through withdrawal.

Through over-explaining.

Through shutting down.

Through rescuing.

Through collapsing.

Through achieving.

Through proving.

Again, none of this is “bad.”

It is simply human.

It is something to notice, something to be curious about, something to hold gently in your awareness.

The Bottle Becomes the PatternExternal Soothing, Adult Habits

Now let’s go a step further.

At some point, crying often leads to soothing.

A bottle.
A breast.
A caregiver’s arms.
Milk.
Warmth.
Relief.

And the body learns:

When I feel distressed, something outside of me makes it better.

That is not wrong. That is how infancy works.

But if that imprint never gets updated, it becomes the foundation of adult coping.

This is where we begin to see the roots of what many people call oral fixations.

Food.
Alcohol.
Nail biting.
Chewing gum.
Snacking when not hungry.
The endless “something” we reach for.

And again, I’m not saying this as judgment.

I’m saying it as awareness.

Sometimes we are not hungry for food.

We are hungry for soothing.

We are hungry to be held.

We are hungry for safety.

We are hungry for a feeling of being okay.

Attention, Approval, and the Addiction to Mattering

As children, we begin learning very quickly:

What gets me approval?
What gets me disapproval?
What gets me attention?
What gets me seen?
What gets me loved?
What gets me included?
What gets me rejected?

And based on what we learn, we begin to form strategies.

We begin to shape ourselves.

We begin to perform, to protect, to adapt.

And many people start to live in a few primary roles.

The compliant one.
The defiant one.
The rescuer.
The victim.

Some people can move between these roles like a shape-shifter.

Others get stuck living in one.

Not because they are broken.

Because at one point in time, that role worked.

That role provided safety.

That role helped them feel like they mattered.

The Rescuer A Role That Gets Applause, and Quietly Hurts the One Wearing It

Let me give you a personal example.

Looking back, I can see I had moments where I was absolutely a rescuer.

Probably with my mom the most, but also with my dad in different ways.

With my dad, part of my rescuing looked like achievement.

Grades.
School performance.
Gifted programs.
Meeting the values I believed would earn his approval.

And approval, to a child, often feels like:

I matter.
I’m safe.
I’m good.
I’m wanted.

With my mom, I can remember times where she was sad, hurt, or stressed, especially during conflict.

And I would shift into Good Boy mode.

Help more.
Do more.
Try to lighten the energy.
Attempt to soothe her experience.

This is where it gets fascinating.

Because these roles do not disappear when we turn eighteen.

They keep operating in the background.

And in my experience, many people who are drawn to the helping professions are rescue dominant.

They say…

“I want to do this work because I want to help others.”

And what I often hear underneath is something more like…

“I want to rescue others because I still don’t know how to rescue myself.”
“I want to feel purposeful.”
“I want to feel needed.”
“I want to feel like I matter.”

And if we’re being radically honest, there can be an unconscious arrogance in rescuing too.

A subtle voice that says:

I know what you need more than you do.

Which is often the childhood attempt to gain control, safety, or approval through being useful.

The rescuer is often a child who learned:

If I can make your pain go away, I don’t have to feel my own.

The Victim The Quiet Power of “Save Me”

Now let’s talk about the other side of the coin.

The victim.

The victim tends to be less celebrated socially, but it holds massive power in human dynamics.

Victims are exceptionally good at pulling rescuers into orbit.

And here’s where things get wonderfully paradoxical.

The rescuer tries to rescue the victim.
But the victim often cannot be rescued.

So the rescuer starts to feel powerless, frustrated, depleted.

And then the rescuer becomes the victim…

…to themselves.

And then the victim may switch roles…

…and become the rescuer.

To rescue the rescuer.

Confused yet?

Perfect.

This is the dance.

This is the human nervous system trying to find safety and love using old strategies.

The Three Core Ego States Adult, Child, Parent

Now I want to simplify this into a framework that can actually be used in real life.

It’s not the only framework, and it is not meant to be constricting.

It is a map, not the territory.

But it’s a powerful map.

1) The Child Ego

This part of you is emotional. Experiential. Feeling-based.

It holds fear.
It holds longing.
It holds wonder.
It holds shame.
It holds rage.
It holds joy.
It holds grief.

It holds the memory of what it felt like to be small.

2) The Parent Ego

This is the internalized voice of judgment. Criticism. Expectation.

It is often your mother or father’s voice, even if your parents never said the words explicitly. It is the values you absorbed. The pressure you internalized. The rules you feared breaking.

The parent ego says things like:

You should be better.
You’re falling behind.
This isn’t good enough.
What will they think?
You’re embarrassing yourself.
Try harder.
Do more.
Stop feeling that.

3) The Adult Ego

This is the part of you capable of awareness, presence, choice, and responsibility.

It can observe.
It can acknowledge.
It can listen.
It can respond instead of react.

The adult ego is not cold logic.

The adult ego is mature witnessing.

Why Healing Often Feels Like Inner Conflict

Here’s something most people do not realize.

A lot of our pain is not coming from life itself.

It is coming from inner conflict.

The child part wants comfort.
The parent part demands performance.
The adult part is exhausted trying to mediate both.

And that inner conflict often shows up as:

Indecision
Anxiety
Depression
Chronic tension
Burnout
Self sabotage
Habit loops
Overthinking
Shame spirals
Fear of being seen
Fear of disappointing others
Fear of success
Fear of failure

Inner conflict creates dissonance. Dissonance creates stress. Stress shows up in the body.

And then people try to fix the body without ever addressing the conflict underneath.

Which is why I say, over and over:

Psychology is downstream of physiology, and physiology is downstream of perception.

Your perception shapes your stress response.

Your stress response shapes your health.

And your childhood perception still lives in the background far more than most people realize.

“I Feel That…” The Sneaky Way We Avoid Feeling

Here’s a simple awareness tool:

Notice when someone says, “I feel…” and then what comes next is not a feeling.

“I feel that you didn’t listen to me.”
“I feel that you were disrespectful.”
“I feel that you should have done more.”

That is thinking, wearing a feeling costume.

Most people express feeling through thinking.

It is rare to hear someone say:

I feel hurt.
I feel scared.
I feel angry.
I feel sad.
I feel lonely.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel exhausted.

This matters because the inner child speaks in emotions, not explanations.

And when we never learn emotional language, we live in a mind that is fluent in logic but illiterate in the heart.

That creates disconnection within self.

And disconnection within self creates disconnection everywhere else.

The Parent Ego and the Pedestal Problem

Let’s go deeper into the parent ego.

When you hear your own judgment or criticism, what you are often hearing is the voice of internalized expectations.

Not even always real expectations.

Often, perceived expectations.

Projected expectations.

Values you assumed your parents had.

Rules you thought you needed to obey to stay safe.

So when you criticize yourself, you are often saying:

My actions are not matching what I believe my parents wanted from me.
And if I don’t match that, I might lose belonging.
I might lose approval.
I might lose safety.

Even if you are forty-three years old.

Even if your parents are not even in the room.

Even if you have a life that proves you are capable.

That child programming does not care about logic.

It cares about survival.

It cares about love.

It cares about mattering.

And here’s the wild part:

You can intellectually know this and still feel it.

Both can be true.

Crazy and cool at the same time.

And I say that on purpose.

Because the moment we turn this into a heavy, shame-filled story, we are trapped in the loop.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m still doing this.”
“What is wrong with me?”
“I should be past this.”
“This is embarrassing.”

That is the child speaking.

That is the inner parent criticizing.

And the adult is nowhere to be found.

So we bring playfulness.

We bring curiosity.

We bring presence.

We bring compassion.

We do not make ourselves wrong for being human.

Relationships Why Rescuers Attract Victims

Let’s talk about how this plays out in partnership.

Rescuers often attract victims.
Victims often attract rescuers.

Not as a moral failing.

As a subconscious energetic magnet.

And if you’re in a relationship with someone who is mature, self-responsible, grounded, and emotionally aware…

A rescuer might feel purposeless.

Because they can’t “do their role.”

They can’t earn worth through fixing.

They can’t matter through saving.

So unconsciously, they might lose attraction.

Not because the relationship is broken.

But because the nervous system is unfamiliar with secure love.

It’s unfamiliar with ease.

It’s unfamiliar with not needing to perform.

And the victim side can play out too.

Two victims together often collapse into competing neediness, without the polarity that keeps the old childhood system alive.

Many breakups are not about the dishes.

They are about childhood strategies no longer working.

And people rarely have words for that.

So they invent stories.

“I lost passion.”
“We weren’t intimate enough.”
“They didn’t prioritize me.”
“It didn’t feel right.”

Maybe.

And maybe underneath it all, the old program could no longer find its footing.

The Integration Process The Real Work

So what are we doing here?

We are integrating the parts.

Not erasing the child.

Not banishing the parent.

Integrating.

We are helping the adult become present enough to hold the child.

And we are transforming the parent ego into functional parenting.

That means:

Protection without control.
Guidance without shame.
Structure without criticism.
Love without conditions.

And here’s something I find deeply moving.

When you show up to one part of you with compassion in a way you never have before, something happens.

That part of you goes into your psyche and tells the other parts:

He’s ready now.
He’s listening now.
We are safe now.
We don’t have to hide anymore.

And more of you comes out of the closet.

More of you returns.

Less conflict.

Less fragmentation.

More wholeness.

How cool is that?

The Deeper Illusion Separation, Shame, and the Need to Earn Love

At the core of so many struggles is this ancient belief:

I must earn love.

Most of us associate attention with love.

So we believe we must do something to be worthy.

Achievement.
Being helpful.
Being good.
Being impressive.
Being needed.
Being strong.
Being perfect.

And if we fail…

Shame.
Fear.
Collapse.

What would it feel like to be in relationship with yourself and genuinely believe:

I am okay as I am today.
I matter even without proving.
I belong even without performing.

Parts of me are there.

Parts of me are still learning it.

And that is the point.

This is not a one-time realization.

This is a returning.

Again and again.

With patience.

With courage.

With softness.

Attachment vs Connection The Buddha in the Middle of Your Mess

In a nutshell:

When we make the outside world separate from us, we become attached.

When we make someone else responsible for how we feel, we become attached.

That can be beautiful attachment or painful attachment.

Either way, it is still attachment.

Connection is different.

Connection says:

What I see out there is interacting with what exists in here.
I am responsible for my inner world.
What is outside me may trigger something inside me, but it is not the cause of my inner world.
My inner world is where the real work is.

A practical relationship ratio might look like:

20 percent attachment
80 percent connection

20 percent codependence
80 percent interdependence

And you work on that together.

Not perfectly.

Humanly.

Closing Reflection A Few Questions to Sit With

If you want to explore this deeper, here are some questions from my heart to yours:

• Where in my life am I trying to use adult logic to solve a childhood wound?

• What role do I default to when I feel unsafe, rescuer, victim, compliant, defiant?

• When I judge myself, whose values am I trying to live up to?

• What do I reach for when I need soothing, and what am I truly seeking beneath that?

• What part of me is asking to be acknowledged, not fixed?

• What would it feel like to be enough before I do anything at all?

Take your time.

The nervous system does not integrate through force.

It integrates through safety.

Call to Action If You Want to Go Deeper With This Work…

If this lesson hit something tender in you, if you recognized yourself in the rescuer, the victim, the inner critic, the performer, the one who feels like they need to earn love, then you’re exactly who I built ILLUMINATE for.

ILLUMINATE is where we map these internal roles, bring language to what has been running unconsciously, and begin the real work of integration.

Not through hacks.

Not through pressure.

Through presence, awareness, and the kind of emotional truth that creates change that lasts.

If you’re ready to explore this in a deeper way, I’d be honored to guide you. DIVE HEAD FIRST BELOW

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Talk soon,
Jator